A year ago my favorite radio show, Talk of the Nation, went off the air. I have been heartbroken ever since and my brain hasn’t fared so well either. I knew there would be a Flowers For Algernon type of decline in intellect as that show was my last, best hope at following current events and other weighty matters. I was able to, well, if not absorb, at least suck in information.
I decided to track my decline in spirit and brainwavery. But how can a person accurately monitor their own intellectual decline?
Also, if you want to show a reduction in intellect, wouldn’t you need some evidence that you possessed some brain activity to begin with? See I didn’t think of that, which proves that there wasn’t much happening upstairs after all.
Nevertheless, I decided to videotape my regression for science.Here are some notes from a recent viewing of the videotaped footage.
Upon learning that Talk of The Nation is to be terminated:
Subject (that’s me) seems to be practicing for future misery: ran around turning off every radio in the house, turned the TV on to Maury, put face in a big plate of cold gummed-up nachos and sobbed.
(These “nachos” have been made from frosted Mini Wheats and shredded carrots; subject was getting real nachos but got kicked out of line at the La Texanita taco truck for excessive weeping.)
Day 67: Subject seems unsteady and is observed approaching a banana and other soft fruits with a can opener.
Day 112: Subject examines a box of Fiddle Faddle and makes lengthy notes with elaborate drawings of the snack items and question marks. Subject drops pieces of the snack item on to the floor from various heights.
This exercise seems to be about determining which is the Fiddle, which is the Faddle. It is uncertain if any conclusion is arrived at.
Day 233: Subject undertakes the “Tiny Fun Crossword Puzzle” found in the pages of Miniature Donkey Talk magazine.
Gives up after five minutes, despite all the answers containing the word donkey with clues such as “____Kong, “Friend of burrow”, “Friend of burrow and ass” and “Where tails are pinned.”
In conclusion, thanks a lot NPR. I hope you’re happy: another life ruined. I’m not saying I was genius to begin with but now I can’t even get the lid off a banana.
And another thing, those stories that are meant to make people cry?
Well I never cry.